How March 20 is already here, I am not quite sure. I have been preparing for two weeks for this day, and still it seemed to sneak up on me, and at a time where I have no energy to follow through on all of those plans. I am practicing allowing for space for myself when it comes to sabbats and my craft—my energy has been low and so I don’t have a lot of spoons to give on any given day. I am practicing allowing that to be okay, because I take harsh self-criticism to a new extreme. It is literally my homework from my therapist this week to lead from my heart and allow myself to be proud of and forgiving of myself. Whether or not I am entirely successful at this is another story entirely.
Of course I had grandiose plans for the equinox. I have come to realize that my plans are always problematically grandiose. I have purchased MANY SEEDS, and I have seedlings and pots, but I ran out of steam before I could pick a potting soil for my container garden and so I am frantically trying to keep seedlings alive in their starter pods while I continuously put of transplanting (fear is a great deterrent—what if I kill them?!?). I wanted to make a spell out of planting and watching the seedlings sprout and grow, the perfect literal representation of a magical equinox full of potential sprouting of all of the intention that I set at Imbolc.
I am taking comfort in the fact that planting season is much longer than one day. My opportunity for this type of celebration is not lost, and I am sure my plants will understand if I have a nice honest chat with them about why we were a bit off on timing. Instead of beating myself up, I decided to do a little tarot spread that Beth Maiden at Little Red Tarot put together for the vernal equinox.
1.) What is coming forth in my life right now? What is emerging, what is just beginning to pierce the surface and peek through?
Visionary of Stones – Grounding—pinnacle of intuitive connection to the earth element. I have the power to reshape my world. I need to steady myself and allow myself to be the rock that anchors me. I have the power to transform what is around me, and I can own that and live in it. This is so heartening to me! It is time to own my power, plant my feet, dig in, and let that power loose into the path ahead of me. I am so ready to emerge from this calcified chrysalis if depression. I have been working so hard. Everything that I hoped for and tried to manifest at Imbolc is beginning to sprout (thanks Brigid!) and all of the work I have been doing to try to get to this point appears to have tilled the earth and created a space for this to take root.
2.) How should I honor this emergence? How might I frame what is happening for me right now, so as to truly understand and integrate?
Four of Stones – This card makes so much sense for me in this position. There is no need to hoard. Trust that there is always enough. Ground your sense of security in that you are always enough. I need to reconsider my relationship to resources, particularly as it relates to feelings, narratives, relationships, and self-image. Self-image especially has become a trap. Dishonest energy comes from fear of scarcity, and I am afraid to let loose the tight grip of control I have on what I share or the current parameters I have on my relationships. It creates the idea that I am a fraud or that I am worthless. This effects every aspect of my life—how I manage myself, my relationships, even my finances. It is important for me to meditate on what I have, what I need, and reflect on the energy that it costs to hold on. Because this creates such a blockage for me in everything, and it also happens to be the thing that my therapist is focusing in on at present, it makes so much sense to me (and is very moving) to recognize that this is something I need to let go in order to honor the coming of all that is promised in the Visionary of Stones.
3.) What is the work I need to do right now? What does it look like?
Three of Knives – Pack light. Leave behind what I cannot carry. This is a period of transition, and in order to expand and to grow, I must embark on a new journey. Part of starting a new journey is packing well and leaving behind that which does not serve you. And because of what must be left behind, sadness may be a companion—with hard goodbyes, delays, confusing routes, and things lost in the shuffle traveling can be difficult. Remember that grief can also be transformative. I will be able to experience greater clarity as I continue to unpack. I definitely need to remember to recognize departure from stagnant spaces and truly honor that departure. Equally important, I must remember to be patient with the future and allow others to support me along the way. This is absolutely my hardest work right now. I have spent so many years building up mental walls, and tearing them down is filled with grief and pain. But this is necessary and I am so fortunate to have a supportive therapist while I work through this. I give away so much energy to false narratives and the circumstances that created the traumas that weigh me down. I want to gather all of my energy and hone it into an arrow and fire it straight ahead of me through all of it.
4.) What do I need to clear or let go?
The Hermit – LOL. I am sorry I just have to laugh at this because I didn’t need my deck to tell me this one, but I also feel like I just got dragged (because honestly I do need it to tell me). The Hermit calls you to look inside of yourself, to seek understanding through introspection and self-reflection—to seek stillness. It beckons to quiet the senses and to concentrate inward. Withdraw from the bustle. Clearly, this is my problem. I spend entirely too much time withdrawing and reflecting inward. It can go from being a healthy, healing, and educational practice to being toxic and harmful. There is a fine line that you walk in all things, and this is a very healthy reminder that these cards are neither positive or negative, really, but honest reflections. One of the things I lament most frequently is my lack of connection to other people. It also is very apparent throughout these cards that other people are going to be important along the way. I need to let go of this tendency to hermit in a negative extreme. I need to work on letting go of the control social anxiety has over me. I need to take the things that I have learned about myself in this self-reflection and share it honestly with those around me to build real and meaningful community.
5.) What ‘fertilizer’ do I need right now? What is the most nourishing food I can offer myself, how can I show myself love as I begin this chapter of my journey?
Two of Vessels – And there it is. Confirmation. Share touch, song, laughter, tenderness. Move outward from the inner world, open yourself to the other in reciprocal exchange. Turning our hearts into a shared pool of connection with a lover or a friend allows is to grow and seem greater than ourselves. And again, this is what I have been craving. I want to foster this connection with my spouse. I want to foster this connection with my closest friends, with my sisters. I want to be open to new collaborations of the heart. This is so targeted to everything that I am working on right now. I FEEL PERSONALLY ATTACKED, deck. But really in the most nurturing way.
Here is the thing—I have been working with this deck for a few months now and it is single-handedly the best purchase I have made in a long time. Every reading I do I feel like is targeted toward opening up and expanding the exact thing that I am working on or needing to work on. It tells me things that are uncomfortable but feel so true. It is even more-so an uncomfortable experience for me because I have never felt this with any other deck. What does this mean? But that is a discussion for a later time. As it stands now, it made for exactly what I needed to celebrate this vernal equinox. I hope this spring finds all of you well and that you may find this spread useful. Please click through to Beth’s website and give her some love. She puts out a lot of great content for the Internet Tarot fam.
***🎨: Leonora Carrington “The Giantess (The Guardian of the Egg)” (detail) c.1947***